We can all agree that these last 3 months we have been through some S*&%. I mean, we have BEEN. THROUGH. IT. And if your experience has been similar to mine, you’re riding the waves of unknown - some days you’re a wreck, other days you’re a positive Patty with nothing but the very best outlook on life. Some days you’re neither and you’re just, well, there. You’re showing up (trying to) and working through each day one second at a time.
When everything “hit” I did what many of us do: obsessively watched the news, nonstop scrolling on social media, consuming anything and everything I could get my hands on. Which by now, I should know better. This brought me to a really icky, icky place. That’s the best word to describe it. I just felt icky. Discouraged, negative, sad, scared, complete loss of control. I felt NOTHING like myself. That’s when the first social-media cleanse came in. I banned myself from social, the news, and frankly, any discussions with anyone about the dreaded COVID-19. I re-centered myself around gratitude, positive affirmations, prayer and meditation and I finally started to feel like myself again. We got in a routine, my husband and I. Wake up. Walk. Work. Lunch. Walk. Work. Walk. Workout. Dinner. Binge a show. Bed. It worked. We were in a groove. Starting to really flourish in our new at-home life. Things seemed less scary, we started seeing our family again (because how backwards is it that we felt/let people tell us we couldn’t see our FAMILY. Think what you will, but family IS ESSENTIAL) and started feeling like everything was going to be okay.
Then, erupted by the killing of a black man by a white police officer, came the protests. Both peaceful and not. The riots. The looting. The violence. The fires. The disaster. The heartbreak. The FEAR. Our sister cities, under a microscope across the nation. It felt like we were watching a movie, happening in our backyard. I’m not prepared to talk more about this. In many ways, I feel like I’m still processing, trying to make sense, understand. And right now, I’m not equipped to discuss this further. This did, however, throw us all for another loop. I went from finally achieving a place of peace and comfort (so I thought) to being completely uprooted. As things escalated, we opted to take a few night break from our home in Saint Paul. We headed to the burbs to find some solace at my parents house. It was just what we needed - a little time and a little space from seeing, hearing, witnessing things unfold. This is when the second social-media cleanse happened. I deleted all my accounts. I stopped reading the news. I completely detached myself from everything external.
Following our little stay-cation in the burbs, we went to visit my sister in Wisconsin. Spent the weekend with family decorating the nursery in her home, preparing to welcome our Niece in July. It was another needed break. In many ways, it was incredibly helpful. Nothing makes you feel more at peace than being on the farm in small-town Wisconsin. There’s something there, something they’re doing right that we (I) need to take note of. Any way, I was mostly at peace, but still just off. I was tired. I mean SO, SO, tired. After nights of restless sleep and days of constant worry, I was not fully functioning as my best self. I was, however, able to let go of some of that and relax, enjoy my family and enjoy my time away.
I returned home, to our torn apart kitchen (oh yeah, we’ve decided to completely renovate our kitchen during all this, because, why not?) a house I hadn’t cleaned for weeks and just a really eerie feeling in my home. All day Sunday I was off. Yes, you’re seeing a theme here. I was tired, kinda crabby, couldn’t focus. Having bouts of difficulty breathing. So I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned. I did laundry, I cooked, I pulled weeds, I washed the walls in our living room. Let me say that again, I WASHED THE WALLS IN OUR LIVING ROOM. I was grasping for anything to keep me busy. Then, the evening came. The stillness. The quiet. And it hit me. The anxiety. I’ve never had anxiety. Never. These last 3 months I am a constant ball of anxiousness. And Sunday night it REALLY hit me. A full-blown anxiety attack. I couldn’t breathe. My body didn’t feel like my body. I was dizzy, sick, SCARED. SO FREAKING SCARED. I was pacing because I couldn’t sit. I was sitting because I couldn’t stand. I had a complete loss of control of my body and my mind.
Never having anxiety, never experiencing this, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have the tools in my toolkit to deal with what was happening to me. So, I did the only thing I knew would save me. I called my mom.
Let’s just pause and thank the Lord for moms. Especially my mom. Mom, I love you. (& Dad) ——there’s a joke here that none of you will get. But my family will. So O’Hearn’s, that one is for you.
Okay, so, I called mom. I imagine it was difficult to understand what I was saying through my tears and heavy breathing. But she heard what she needed to. “Mom, I don’t know what’s happening to me.” Like always, she was calm. She was calm and she simultaneously sprang into action. She told me to go outside. Take some deep breaths and in a few minutes she’d send me some tools. She sent me some meditations. I listened to all 3. Poorly. But I tried. I sat and listened, I walked and listened. I did the deep breath in, and out. In and out. My husband and I went for a walk and sat outside until nearly 10pm, when I started to feel “normal” again. I read the affirmations she sent me repeatedly before bed, and by the Grace of God (& Mom + Dad’s support that night) I slept.
The following morning I woke up. Went outside and grounded myself. (If you haven’t done grounding, I encourage you to add it to your morning routine. You literally stick your feet into the grass, and you take some time to feel the earth beneath you and root yourself in it.) Followed by a morning meditation, a walk, breakfast + off I ran into my work day. Mid-morning I felt the (now familiar) quickening of my heart and shortness of breath. The fear of having another anxiety attack like the one not even 24-hours prior caused me to spiral and nearly sent me into another one. This time, I had tools ready to handle it. Although, I still didn’t know WHY it was happening to me. I spent the day listening to mediation music in the background as I worked. Reading and watching videos on manifestation. I worked out in the evening, I made dinner, Chris and I went for a walk…but I still felt off. I still had an eerie feeling and I didn’t want to be in our home. I wasn’t comfortable. I had this longing to be at home, my home, with my parents. And when I say longing, I mean LONGING. My heart was hurting and all it wanted and all it needed was to escape my current state and go HOME to my mom and dad. Then, it happened. Not the “it” you’re thinking - not another anxiety attack - but IT. The “A-HA” moment of WHY I have been feeling the way I’ve been feeling. Why it sent me into an anxiety attack.
It ends where this post started. We can all agree that these last 3 months we have been through some S*&%. I mean, we have BEEN. THROUGH. IT. And although I felt like I was handling it well. And although I felt like I had gotten to a good place. I really hadn’t and haven’t. The 3 months of COVID-19 BS followed by the heartbreak and disaster in our cities completely knocked me on my ass. I haven’t felt in control of my life for 3 months. And for someone who NEEDS to have control, you can imagine how much this has affected me. It’s important to note that although I haven’t felt in control, part of it is because I haven’t TAKEN control. I have been putting a band-aid on my feelings, allowing myself to be driven by fear, and have not DONE THE WORK to make myself feel whole. So came my realization. This loss of control, this displacement of myself, this feeling of not being comfortable in my home and longing to be with my parents: They’re my protection. My comfort. My safety. I’ve been longing for home because I’m longing for normal. I’m longing to be in a space and place where everything melts away and I feel and know and trust that I’m going to be OKAY. For me, that’s at mom + dads. For you, that might look different. But I think in a lot of ways lately, we’re all searching for normal, comfort, safety.
This realization came with relief. SO much relief. And tears. SO MANY TEARS. I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. And frankly, I felt damn proud of myself and the transformation I had gone through from 24-hours prior. I figured it out. I found the root cause. I know now, why I’m feeling this way. I know now, why I reacted the way I did. And now, it’s time to put in the work. Now I rebuild. Now I reconnect. Now I re-center. It took 3 months to completely dismantle me. It very well could take that long to rebuild me. But I have the tools. I have my people. Most importantly, I have myself. I can do this, I will do this. I will be okay. WE will be okay.
The power of manifestation, meditation, prayer, mental + physical exercise are my building blocks. And day by day, I will build myself back up. I’ll link some resources below that I’m using to help myself, in case they will be helpful to you.
I hope my experience helps you. I hope my story helps you with your story. I hope I don’t have any typos (hard to tell through the tears.)
Sending so much love to you all.
xo,
Molly
Gabby Bernstein (many free resources on her site), Also reading her book: Super Attractor